I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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