I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize