i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize