I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
