She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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