someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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