She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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