If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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