Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
