There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
