I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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