i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think my fart just growled at me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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