Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
