I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
