How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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