The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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