you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
