I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
