my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
