Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
