We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
