Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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