Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
