remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
