i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
