that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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