Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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