The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
