totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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