Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
