she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
