Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
