my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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