The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
