Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
