The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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