she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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