Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
