my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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