Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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