people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
