I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The beer is more important than you right now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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