The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
