I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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