Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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