Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
