grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
