Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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