When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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