Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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