My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
FUCK WHALES
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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