wanna go halves on a baby?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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