this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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