oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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