last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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